Monday, February 23, 2009

How Do Boys Pee?

Occasionally, I will give you a glimpse into my little personal world and this is one of those days. This is totally un-fiber related, so you can move on if the personal tidbits don't matter.

My darling daughter (herein after known as DD), ever so precocious, in third grade and just turned 9 in December approached me last week and said she had to ask me a question. Seemed very serious, so I put down what I was doing and plopped next to her on the couch for "a big question". Here it is: How do boys pee?

Now, at first I just thought she meant, you know, how do they know when they have to pee. I told her "Kinda like you, they feel the urge and then pee." Here's how the conversation went:

DD: No, no mom, I mean HOW do they pee?

Me: What do you mean, HOW do they pee?

DD: You know, with a penis, how?

Me: Well (digging deep into my brain to analyze the correct response) they can either stand up at a urinal and pee or sit on a toilet and hold it down or stand in front of the toilet.

DD: Urinal?

Me: You've seen a urinal (Her father has taken her to the movies and such and if she has to use the public restroom, and she always does, he clears the mens room and lets her go in).

DD: Oh, those thing-I thought they were weird sinks.

Me: You DID NOT wash you hands in them did you? (All I could envision was that scent cake being used as soap)

DD: Of course not, I used the regular sink, I didn't understand those other ones.

Me: (wiping sweat from my brow at this point). Well, Elena, most boys stand up and pee at the urinal.

DD: You mean they pull their pants down right there in front of each other ? (said in aghast)

Me: Oh, no, no, they unzip their pants and take their penis out.

DD: What about their underwear?

Me: (thinking "this is really getting in depth, why does she have to ask so many questions?") Well, boys underwear has an opening that they can take their penis out to pee built in.

DD: Really, can I see a pair?

Me: Oh, Elena, let me get a pair of dad's new undies and I'll show you. I show her.

DD: Oh, that's just ridiculous. The silliest thing I have ever seen.

Me: Well, it's how they pee.

DD: No it isn't, you showed me how they set up to pee.

Me: Oh

DD: How DO they pee? Is is like a cow udder, you know they have to kind of pull it like an udder (I am shuddering as she is showing me the motion and remembering back to that damn Amish farm where I let her milk a cow)

Me: OH NO Elena, it just comes out like it does for you, they kinda have to hold it up. Oh, and please, do not show anyone that cow milking demonstration at school, please.

DD: Just comes out??? Do they wipe it because I don't recall any toilet paper next to the urinal?

Me: Ummmm, I think they just shake it a little, maybe some dab with toilet paper if they're in a stall.

DD: You gotta be kidding me, they "shake it", how is that clean?

Me: You hope they wash their hands is all I can say. Elena I'm not a boy or a man, I don't know their techniques, but don't ask anyone in school and we'll let this slide with your dad, okay?

DD: Next question, how comfortable can their pants be carrying all those extra parts down there? Are they heavy? Do they get in the way?

Me: Elena, I am a woman, I don't know and I am not asking anyone and do not Google this. They are born that way and it's all they know. You were born your way and it's all you know.

DD: You're sure it's not like an udder, right?

Me: At this point, I am laughing, I admit it-quietly, but laughing. Yes, I am sure and I repeat DO NOT SHOW THAT COW MILKING DEMONSTRATION AT SCHOOL, PLEASE.

Okay mom, thanks for all the help.

Me: Sure, anytime (shudder)


naomi said...

OMG !! I almost pee'd my pants reading this. I love the milking the cow thing, how did you stay in control ? (thank gawd she didn't wash her hands in the weird sink)
But ya know I have to agree with her, I think it's really "re-dick-u-lous" that they can't just sit down like we do. I really think there are just looking for another excuse to touch themselves :)

Stacy said...

Oh that's priceless! I would have been dying lol.

Lucy said...

You will have to print out that conversation and show your daughter in 20 years!! LOL

tabitha said...

Conversations like that are priceless!

I am constantly amazed at the things my kiddos come up with.

Kari said...

LMFAO omg Thanks Deneen, I so needed that laugh. i feel for you though.

Mandi said...

FABULOUS! Best Mom-Kid conversation I've heard yet!

Megan said...

Hi stranger! :) I nearly fell out of my chair I was laughing so hard, reading this!

Laura said...

Ha, ha, that was TOO funny! I agree with Lucy - you can really embarrass Elena with this when she's an adult (or especially a teenager)! I'm with Elena though, about how men can just stand there and whip it out in a public restroom and pee in front of strangers, LOL!

I bought my daughter a book a few years ago called "It's Not the Stork". It's really good, age-appropriate book about reproduction, male and female organs, etc. for kids around Elena's age. It's good to pull out when kids ask those questions that you aren't sure how to answer!

offmyhook said...

Hah! But god bless you two that you can have this conversation (albeit uncomfortably for you). Just imagine what she'll be asking in a few years. Kudos, Mom.

Deneen said...

Seriously, my daughter is an awesome kid and I'm not just saying that cause I'm her mom, she's really cool to have around and a lot of fun. Yes, she knows she can come to me with any questions and I answer honestly (as possible without blowing her mind), use the real wording for body parts (for years, as a kid, my "v" as Elena has now shortened it was my "cookie"-needless to say, it's scarred me for life). She's a bright child and she asks good questions and expects good answers. Me, as a kid, never would have asked my mother any of those questions. I do my best, but honestly, sometimes the laughter gets in the way.

Elena did read this post, was laughing her head off about how it looked "in print"-read the comments and LMFAO was changed to "laughing my freaking anus off" (for clarification purposes here) and she missed Naomi's pun (thank goodness).

My greatest creation ever-she keeps me on my toes and in stitches most days.

Annette said...

That is one of the funniest stories I have read in awhile - LOL Brought tears to my eyes I was laughing so hard!

Kimberly said...

Catching up and I have to say this is classic!! She is such a hoot! I am sure that I never even thought to ask how they go pee.

noricum said...

That's hilarious!!!

...say wat now?... said...

Hahaha this is classic. 'cow udder'? Yes sweety they're like cow udders. :-D Gave me a good laugh. And gave me an idea how to respond to my daughter if she gets to asking those weird questions. :-D

Anonymous said...

Haha that's so funny :p I would never have asked my mum that google all the way!:D

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